No Contracts

Many service providers are always looking for new clients to replace the ones that they currently serve, but low client attrition is top-priority for me. My goal is to have a 0% churn rate.

There are a few challenges to keeping my churn rate low, but my position also offers some advantages.

The clientele and I seem to have different goals and expectations in regards to my role as service provider. The way I see it, my services have been retained in order to provide on-the-job training to give my clients the skills they need to function positively in society. Skills like, learning not to bite new friends, how to live in a space without having the space condemned due to deplorable living conditions, how to keep their teeth past the age of thirty five... My clients, on the other hand, see my role more as entertainer, personal assistant and maid. 

You see the conflict.

Technically, I have no contract. Every negotiation is done in good faith.

I often think it would be easier if there were a contract. That way, when they make unreasonable requests, like prying my eyelid open at 3 am to demand that I make a Dutch baby, I could refer to the contract and explain that this particular service is not covered in our contract. I could point out that peeing in the pantry, or pooping on the front lawn while I'm talking with friends is a breach of contract. (For the record, only one of these events actually occurred.)

However, having no contract affords me some leeway. I can make up rules as I go along without having to amend a document. 

As I type, my newest client, who has been with us for three years (the Brunette) is making fart noises and hurling himself onto my arms, making it difficult to type.  He is insisting that it is his right to use the (my) computer right now to entertain himself. 

If I had a contract, enduring fart noises and being climbed upon while I write up client notes would definitely breach it.