Bedtime with the Clients

My husband is far away across the country tonight, and I am sleeping with my newest client. 

It's not like it sounds.

At bedtime, it's not unusual for the Brunette to say, matter-of-factly, "I want to sleep with you." He will then follow me to bed and climb in beside me. He's very warm.

He expects to read a few books aloud, turn out the lights, then get out of bed at least once and ride me piggyback to the kitchen for a swallow of water. (Water from the fridge, in a blue cup, which he manipulates himself, thank you very much.) Remember, there is NO contract, so I can't really say he's in breach. 

Truth is, I almost never turn him down outright. The potential for fallout looms too large. Often, I try to trick him by lying beside him while he falls asleep, then switching beds. 

The Brunette just... likes me a lot... He has his own space; he just gets lonely. He comes to my bed almost every night. My husband knows that this is part of my job, but he does get tired of sharing his bed with an interloper. 

All this bed sharing started with the Ginger. He's the client who refused to sleep alone. I *tried* to explain how important it was for him to learn to calm himself down and sleep on his own. (Our longtime client, The Blonde, had some difficulty with this skill, but learned it in a few days.) The Ginger either didn't buy it, or his grasp of the language was insufficient for him to understand exactly what I was telling him. 

We put him in one of those special holding pens with the padded floor. It was surrounded by bars, of course, per the usual. It just made him mad. He screamed for hours, fell asleep, then woke up and screamed some more.  Hours.

I worried he might have grounds to sue us later for false imprisonment, so I gave up. (Excuse me: False imprisonment is a felony!)

In retrospect, I think if I could've found some commercial on television showing how pleasant the holding pen could be, he might have given in. A promotional video, maybe-- or a movie glorifying life behind bars... 

The Ginger is, by far, the most susceptible to marketing of all my clients. This is why expense disbursements for the Ginger are made so infrequently. After all, at best, they're unsecured, non-interest bearing loans. If he had his way, he would incorporate himself and issue an IPO to fund acquisitions... He would buy anything sold from the following site:

http://www.asseenontv.com/index.php?v=toys

No Contracts

Many service providers are always looking for new clients to replace the ones that they currently serve, but low client attrition is top-priority for me. My goal is to have a 0% churn rate.

There are a few challenges to keeping my churn rate low, but my position also offers some advantages.

The clientele and I seem to have different goals and expectations in regards to my role as service provider. The way I see it, my services have been retained in order to provide on-the-job training to give my clients the skills they need to function positively in society. Skills like, learning not to bite new friends, how to live in a space without having the space condemned due to deplorable living conditions, how to keep their teeth past the age of thirty five... My clients, on the other hand, see my role more as entertainer, personal assistant and maid. 

You see the conflict.

Technically, I have no contract. Every negotiation is done in good faith.

I often think it would be easier if there were a contract. That way, when they make unreasonable requests, like prying my eyelid open at 3 am to demand that I make a Dutch baby, I could refer to the contract and explain that this particular service is not covered in our contract. I could point out that peeing in the pantry, or pooping on the front lawn while I'm talking with friends is a breach of contract. (For the record, only one of these events actually occurred.)

However, having no contract affords me some leeway. I can make up rules as I go along without having to amend a document. 

As I type, my newest client, who has been with us for three years (the Brunette) is making fart noises and hurling himself onto my arms, making it difficult to type.  He is insisting that it is his right to use the (my) computer right now to entertain himself. 

If I had a contract, enduring fart noises and being climbed upon while I write up client notes would definitely breach it.

Weekend Late Shift/Monday Morning

Last night, the clients were very tired and I needed to help them retire in order to get adequate rest.  My long-time client, the Blonde, was shrieking and sobbing alternately.  The newest client, the Brunette, was yelling at me loudly for ice cream, which was a 30 minute car ride away.  Fortunately, the Ginger had moved into his morose state.

I calmly encouraged the clients to prepare for a tour in the car, as this often helps them collect their wits or fall asleep. Moving them from the car into their beds is a bit of a chore, but often preferable to trying to manage them as they wind down for bed. They very loudly expressed their disinterest in this plan, at which point, I provided an alternative: retiring immediately.  The Blonde was still crying and moaning because she had made plans to spend the night with a colleague, but she had neglected to check her schedule with me. I had to inform her that this late meeting would not work with her schedule. She was able to contain her displeasure until we left her colleague's home, but commenced to wailing once we stepped outside.

Fortunately, all of the clients were able to get adequate rest last night and are now lounging in front of a fire. The Blonde decided upon waking that she wanted a fire in the fireplace. I heard her telling the Ginger to work on me if he wanted a fire. The Ginger immediately came to find me in the kitchen, asking loudly for a fire. He borrowed a favorite phrase from the Blonde and said, "I'll do anything!" Instead of rolling my eyes like I wanted to, I decided to take him up on his offer.

"Twenty push-ups," I said. And suddenly, I was wearing a genuine smile. The wood was much closer than I had realized, so the fire was no big deal.

The Ginger told the Blonde about the stipulation, so she got down on the floor in front of the fireplace and started. Her butt was in the air and her push-ups were a little lack-luster, but I said nothing. She insisted that I leave the room to get wood ASAP, but by looking through the wall of windows, I noticed that she shorted me on push-ups. I should have known that the Ginger would report. He let me know that the Blonde had done too few push-ups and even demonstrated her less-than-textbook technique. She immediately became defensive. I just smiled and told her I wasn't mad. I then reminded my client of five years, the Ginger, that it was his turn. He surprised me with 20 slow push-ups in excellent form. He got through 11 without stopping and did the other nine in the same minute.

The Blonde has taken charge of hot chocolate production and distribution.  The Ginger is walking around without pants, and the Brunette without a shirt.

Am planning to ask clients if I may take a break for exercise soon. They are not always supportive. Fingers crossed.